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Hook
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Is it possible to make fun of a movie you like? I don't know, but I'm doing it. This is Hook. Footage of Hook is shown NC (Voiceover): Well, people either love or hate this movie. Personally, I love it. I love the premise, I love the two lead actors, and I love the fact that it actually tries to dive into the psychology of Peter Pan. But with that said, there are a lot of stupid things about it, too. It's very cliched, very corny, and filled with even more Spielberg whimsical schmaltz than, well, Peter Pan. NC: But my nostalgia aside, does that technically make Hook a good movie or a bad movie? Well, let's not waste any time. Let's cut right into Hook! Film starts NC (Voiceover): So our story begins as we start off with the backstory of Peter Pan. In a very poorly set stage, there are Wendy and Peter Pan performing on a stage Wendy (Dramatically): Boy, why are you crying? Peter: I was crying 'cause I couldn't get my shadow to stick. NC: Boy, I thought the production values would be a little better than this. NC (Voiceover): Actually, this is a school play, starring the daughter of our main character, Peter Banning, played by Robin Williams. Peter Banning receives a phone call during the play Peter: (On the phone) Want a meeting tomorrow, am? Peter's Son, Jack: Dad, my game! You promised. Peter: (On the phone) Listen, it's my son's big game. (Whispering to Jack) I'll be there. My word is my bond. NC (Voiceover, mimicking Peter): And by that, I mean, I'm lying to you, and this will become the focal point of the movie! NC '(Voiceover): So we cut to the next day at his son's game... ''An umpire dressed as Santa Claus is seen. '''NC (Voiceover): Why Santa Christ is the umpire, I have no idea...as we see his father is running late, having fun with the people at work. So he sends a co-worker to the baseball field to film the game...ouch...which causes him to lose. Peter tries to make it up to him on their plane ride to Britain, (The words PAN AM is visible on the surface of the plane) which is on an airline that hasn't existed for years, but the pun was too tempting, as Jack wants nothing to do with him. Peter: Jack, next season, I'm coming to six games. I promise. My word is my bond. Jack: Yeah, JUNK bond. Jack throws his baseball to the ceiling of the plane which causes oxygen masks to pop out the ceiling. Peter is surprised and screams. NC: (Waving his arms hysterically) TERRORIST! How did he get that baseball past security?! NC (Voiceover): So it turns out they're going to Britain, because Peter's old caretaker Wendy, played by Maggie Smith, is having a children's hospital dedicated to her. Peter's daughter, Maggie: Is Granny Wendy the real, real Wendy from my play? Peter's wife, Moira: Yes. Peter: No, honey. Not really. Peter's wife, Moira: Sort of. NC (Voiceover): She also has another lost orphan that she looks after named Toodles. Starting to see a connection here? Toodles is searching for something on the floor. Toodles: Lost, lost... Peter: Lost what? Toodles: I've lost my marbles. NC: Pray to God you laughed at that joke because this movie has three variations of it. NC (Voiceover): So Peter explains what he does for a living and why it's kept him away from London for 10 whole years. Peter: I am still in emergence acquisition, and dabbling into some land development. Jack: Any resistance, and he blows them out of the water! Wendy: So...Peter, you've become a pirate. Film Brain suddenly appears and raises his arms upward and shouts. Film Brain: Symbolism! NC: What was that? Well, anyway... NC (Voiceover): Before the dedication, he gets a call from work. But the kids are just too darn noisy for him to hear. Peter: A five billion dollar deal falling apart because of this? Why doesn't somebody just shoot me in the head? Jack: (Making a gun gesture with his hands) Bang, bang! Peter: Will everybody just SHUT UP?! Jack: I'm sorry. Peter: Moira, get 'em outta here, will you? I'm on the phone call of my life! NC: I mean, it's not like I can just...go into another room or something! NC '(Voiceover): So after that blow-up, they get ready to go to the dedication dinner for the new hospital. ''Maggie shows Peter a flower made of paper '''Maggie: Toodles made it for me. It smells nice. Peter: It's paper, honey. NC (Voiceover): Dude! How much of a killjoy is this jerk? NC is seen receiving a phone call and a frown in his face. Off screen, the voice of a kid voiced by NC is heard. Kid (Offscreen): Dad, is there a Santa Claus? NC: No. Kid (Offscreen): Is there an Easter Bunny? NC: No, we made that up, too. Kid (Offscreen): Is there a God? NC (nervously angrily): Well, scientifically speaking, they've never proven that God actually exists, so probably not. In fact, the majority of the religions, if not all the religions, are completely false! The kid offscreen starts crying NC: Oh, what?! Peter: Hey, Jack. Jack, you're in charge now. This is my very special watch, so you keep track of the time. The scene of Captain Koons giving a boy a watch from ''Pulp Fiction is shown.'' Captain Koons: I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass two years. NC (Voiceover): So the night's a big hit, the children's hospital is named after her. But something evil is lurking outside the window. The scene of Hook breaking into the house with green smoke and moving things without touching them is shown. NC (Voiceover): Okay, here's my question. This is obviously Hook coming in to kidnap the children. But, what the hell is he doing? Where did the green smoke come from? How is he able to move things without touching them? Did he sell his soul to Satan on his way to Earth? Children's blankets are lifted into the air by themselves while children are screaming. NC (Voiceover): ZUUL, LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL! A scene of Wendy being shocked, dropping her cup and slowly sitting down is shown. Peter's wife: Are you all right? Wendy? Obi-Wan Kenobi (from Star Wars): I felt a great disturbance in the Force. NC (Voiceover): So they come home to find that the place has been broken into and the children have been kidnapped. Peter '''(Reading the letter sent by Hook): Dear Peter. Your presence is required at the request of your children. Kindest personal regards, James Hook, Captain. '''NC: P.S. I don't care what anyone says, I loved "License to Wed". NC (Voiceover): So they call the police, as Detective Phil Collins here comes in to look over the situation. beat I'm not even kidding! That's really Phil Collins! IMDB it; it's totally him! Toodles: I've forgotten how to fly. Inspector Goode (Phil Collins): Well, one does. (nervously) Good night, ma'am, good night, sir. Inspector Goode hurriedly bows and walks away. NC (Voiceover) (Mimicking Phil Collins): I'm off to ruin Disney's Tarzan. NC (Voiceover): So Wendy decides to have a little talk with Peter about why all this has been happening. Wendy: How far back can you remember, Peter? Peter: You worked with orphans, you taught me to read, you arranged for the adoption by my American parents, Hank and Jane Banning. Wendy: You were twelve, nearly thirteen! Can you remember before that? Peter: There is nothing before that. NC: I have the same unquestioned, repressed childhood memories that everybody has. What? Wendy: That was when you decided not to go back to Neverland. Peter: Where? Wendy: To Never Never Land. Peter seems shocked. Suddenly, Vengaboys' "We Like to Party" is heard while flickering shiny letters appear around Wendy's head saying: "Nutball!", "She's gone bye bye!", "I'm the one who lost her marbles!", "Commit me!" Wendy: Peter! Peter: What? Wendy: The stories are true! And now he's come back to seek his revenge. NC (Imitating Wendy): It's Dustin Hoffman, Peter. He wants to outmug you! NC (Voiceover): So Wendy tells Peter about his true origins, but not surprisingly, he doesn't believe it. However, that night, he gets a little bit more proof than he needed. Tinkerbell comes in, played by Julia Roberts. Tinkerbell: And if less is more, there's no end to me, Peter Pan! Peter: Peter Banning. Tinkerbell: Pan. Peter: Banning. Tinkerbell: Pan! Peter: Banning. Tinkerbell: Well, whoever you are, it's still you. Because only one person has that smell. Peter: Smell? NC (Mimicking Tinkerbell): Yes. Your love of Mexican food was always a dead giveaway. NC (Voiceover): And I have to admit, this is one of the casting choices I didn't like. I mean, she doesn't do a horrible job or anything, but she plays it way too American-Sweetheartish. Tinkerbell in the original story could be nice, but she was also jealous and deceiving. This was the fairy that tried to have Wendy killed, remember? And now, she is just way too smiley and innocent. NC: I mean, come on, Julia Roberts! You're supposed to play this conniving, attention-seeking person! You know, less like this (Picture of her portraying Tinkerbell is shown), and more like... of proud Julia Roberts holding her Oscar trophy is shown ...yeah. NC (Voiceover): So Tink tries to tell him who she is, but Peter still has a hard time grasping it. Peter: I do not believe in fairies. Tinkerbell: Every time someone says 'I do not believe in fairies', somewhere there's a fairy that falls down dead. Peter: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES! Christa from Ferngully appears and falls dead with a thump. NC (Voiceover): So Tink knocks him out and eventually flies him off to Neverland. On their way, she sprinkles some fairy dust on a kissing couple and they fly up into the air. NC: That's a cute joke. But I have to admit, something about that couple seems familiar. Pictures of George Lucas and Carrie Fisher overlaps with the scene of couple kissing on the bridge. NC (Voiceover): It's George Lucas and Carrie Fisher?! I swear to God, that's not a joke! George Lucas and Carrie Fisher are the couple KISSING on that bridge! NC (Doing a motion of throwing fairy dusts): GO! Erotic fan fiction writers! To your keyboards! A new world of sexual Star Wars fantasies AWAITS YOU! NC (Voiceover): So, she carries him off to the...obvious set of Neverland. And thankfully, she drops him in the most safe and protected area she could find...in the middle of the fucking pirate village! That's like dropping an ant in an anteater convention! Peter: Gentlemen, I, I am looking for someone. All of the pirates suddenly roar and pull out their weapons and start to fight. Tinkerbell appears and knocks them out. Pirate: You pixie devil! (Gets thrown by Tinkerbell) NC (Voiceover): I'm sorry, but when did Tinkerbell get so freakin' strong? She knocks out pirates, tosses them around, carries Peter to Neverland! NC: Someone's been eating her steroid Wheaties! A fake advertisement of Steroid Wheaties with a picture of Tinkerbell smiling, saying "Now with more penis shrinkage!" is shown. NC (Voiceover): So after raising TinkerHell, she disguises Peter as a pirate and sneaks him aboard Hook's ship. So we see the villain is Hook, played by Dustin Hoffman, and his sidekick Smee, played by Bob Hoskins. Captain Hook: Finally, I am going to kill Peter Pan, that cocky boy who cut off my hand and fed it to the crocodile! And who killed that cunning crocodile? Pirates: Hook! Captain Hook: Who stuffed him? Pirates: Hook! Captain Hook: Who made him into a quiet clock? Pirates: Hook! Captain Hook: Who went into the other world and stole Pan's children? Pirates: Hook! Captain Hook: And who didn't believe I could do it? NC is about to shout "Hook!" but pauses and puts his hand on his mouth, realizing what Hook really said. NC (Voiceover): So he brings out the children as Peter accidentally outs himself, trying to lunge after them. Captain Hook: Who are you? Peter: I'm Peter Banning, Attorney at Law, these are my children and I want them back. Captain Hook: Those are your... Peter: Children. Captain Hook: These are your children. Peter: Yes, they are. Captain Hook: And you are? Peter: Peter. Captain Hook: You're Peter? Peter: Yes. Captain Hook: You're Peter? Peter: Yes. Captain Hook: No. Peter: Yes. Captain Hook: You're Peter? The arguing of Peter Pan and Captain Hook overlaps with Abbott and Costello's Who's on First Base skit, annoying NC. NC: SHUUUUT UUUP! NC (Voiceover): So Smee proves that he really is Peter Pan by pulling out his medical records...How the hell did he get that...as Hook can't believe what a worn out sack of memoir puke Peter Pan has become. Captain Hook: A disaster. Peter: Which must be remedied. Captain Hook: Expediently, I agree. Peter: I want my children. For me, the stakes can be no higher. Captain Hook: And for me, sir, they could have sunk no lower! And I want my war! Pirates: Aye! NC: (Imitating Captain Hook) The Ninjas must die! Pirates: Aye! NC (Voiceover): So he makes a deal that if Peter flies up and touches his children's fingers, he'll let them all go. Peter: I'm coming, sweetheart! Someone give me a hand. Captain Hook: I already have. Pirates: Oooooooh. NC: (Imitating Hook) Oh, yes. I went there. NC (Voiceover): But it turns out Peter forgot to take his Flyagra and is unable to get up. This comes as a serious disappointment to Mr. Hook. Captain Hook: Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have decided to cancel the war. NC: (Imitating Hook) I will instead run Ernest Goes to Camp. (sounds of disappointment from offscreen crowd) NC (Voiceover): But before he can kill him, Tinkerbell strikes up a deal with the Captain. She says that if he gives her three days, he can get him back to normal. Captain Hook: And you'd better deliver, Miss Bell, or no amount of clapping will bring you back from where I will send you. Pirates: Ooh! NC (mimicking Hook): There's a butt crack with your name on it. Ho-ho! NC (Voiceover): So Hook agrees, but Pan is accidentally knocked over. Thankfully, he's saved by a Skittles commercial, as he is lifted up to the hideout of the Lost Boys. But the boys don't recognize him, as their new leader, named Rufio, suggests they chop him into pieces. Rufio: Can't fly, fight, or crow. Any of you says this here scug ain't Peter Pan, cross the line. NC (Voiceover): You know, for a lost jungle boy, he sure does seem to put a lot of mousse in that hair, doesn't he? But luckily, their...oracle or something comes in and sees the Pan inside him. So the Lost Boys finally decide to help Peter out. But unfortunately, Hook and Smee have a diabolical plan: To make Pan's kids love Hook, as that would be the ultimate revenge. Hook and Smee have a talk with the son, Jack. Hook: Jack. Your father went to your sister's school play, did he not? But did he go to your baseball game? Jack: How'd you know about that? NC (voiceover): Uh, that's a legitimate question. Where are they getting all of this information? Medical info? Background history? Is there just a private records building that's way too lenient on their policies? A picture of a cassette tape player appears as we can see "Audio Recording from Department of Record" in the bottom. Recorded voice of Hook: '''Yes, I would like the medical records, background history, including the rest of Mr. Peter Banning, please. '''Recorded voice of the agent: (Kermit the Frog-esque voice) I don't know. That sounds suspicious... Recorded voice of Hook: It's not. Recorded voice of the agent: Uh, OK. Recorded voice of Hook: Also, I would like to have background check of his children, please include any current emotional scars that might been made in the past a few days also. Recorded voice of the agent: Now that sounds REALLY suspicious. Recorded voice of Hook: Now, does a man dressed as a pirate with a hook on his hand honestly strike you as suspicious? Recorded voice of the agent: I suppose not. Recorded voice of Hook: Good. Now could you hurry along? I have a flying green puff of smoke I need to catch. Recorded voice of the agent: Okay. Recorded voice of Hook: Most excellent. NC (Voiceover): While Maggie seems to find, Jack seems a little bit more lenient to Hook's offer, which means Peter has to work even faster to get into shape for the big fight. Montage of Peter working hard to get into shape is shown as the song, "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito plays. NC (Voiceover): But while they take a break for dinner, Peter sees just what the kids eat on a regular basis. Children shove food into their plates from empty cooking pots. NC (Voiceover): Ah, it's the Calista Flockhart diet. Child: Eat up! Peter: Eat what? There's nothing here. Gandhi ate more than this! NC (Voiceover): It turns out Peter has to use his imagination in order to make the food appear, as he does just that. Now they have all the beautiful.. purple pastes they can eat, I guess. During their feast, Peter and the Lost Boys have a food fight. Peter: Bangerang! Lost Boys: Bangerang! NC (Voiceover): But Peter's popularity disturbs Rufio, as he throws the world's slowest moving coconut towards him! Peter slices the coconut into half with a sword as all the children watch him in admiration. NC: That coconut had just two days left until retirement, you bastard! NC (Voiceover): So the chubby black kid that everyone for the longest time thought was the kid in Good Burger, talks about their old friend, Toodles. Peter: How could you know Toodles? Thud: He was a Lost Boy. These are his marbles. Thud hands Peter a bag with stone marbles in it. Peter laughs. Peter: He really did lose his marbles, didn't he? Thud: Yeah, he lost them good. NC (Voiceover, mimicking the voice of Thud): I can't believe we're still trying to have him in this joke! Ah ha ha ha! Thud: Do you remember your mother, Peter? Peter: I wish I could. someone singing in the distance Listen. NC (Voiceover, mimicking Peter): I hear Spielberg trying to be forcefully whimsical. We cut to the scene in Hook's ship, and we see pirates being confused while watching Maggie singing (very, very poorly). Maggie: The stars are all my friends, till the nighttime ends. So I know I'm not alone... NC (voiceover): You know, it's at times like this that I really wish the pirates of Neverland would collide with the Pirates of the Caribbean. As Maggie continues to sing, a scene of Captain Barbossa making a disgusted face and shooting toward his henchman (Presumable to Maggie, in this review, by NC's editing) is shown. The singing stops, and then we cut to the scene of pirates shouting Aye! cheerfully. NC (voiceover): So Hook has more plans to lure Jack to his side as he brings him to a museum of broken clocks. While in here, he convinces Jack to smash his father's watch. Jack: This is for...never letting me blow bubbles in my chocolate milk! Smashes his father's watch. Hook and Smee cheer. Jack: This is for never letting me jump on my own bed! He smashes another clock and Hook and Smee cheer again. Jack: For never doing anything with me. Jack then smashes another clock. A Drug PSA from NC's The Top 11 Drug PSAs is shown. A crazy woman smashes everything around her with a frying pan, saying: This is what your FAMILY GOES THROUGH! And your friends and your MONEY! NC (voiceover): So Hook puts on a baseball game for Jack as Peter is told that stealing Hook's hook will make him proud and give him the energy to crow. But he's distracted when Jack is brought up to bat. Smee throws the baseball and Jack triumphantly hits it. NC (voiceover): Dude, was there fucking smoke on that ball? NC: Smee is a fucking Olympian! Jack wins the game and Peter shouts in joy. '' '''Hook': My Jack! Peter's smile suddenly disappears. Then the camera does a close up of Peter's face. Peter: My Jack. NC: Laughs Yes. I do believe that is. same music and camera work is used as NC looks in the camera and mimics Peter My Jack. NC (Voiceover): So he goes back to the hideout, which isn't really much of a hideout, it's a tree with lights, as he stumbles upon an old cave from the past, or Fraggle Rock, I forget which. Tinkerbell: Do you like my dress? Peter: What's the occasion? Tinkerbell: You are. It's a welcome home party. NC: I've been waiting here nine hours in this dress just praying that you'll stumble onto this. Thank you for stumbling onto this! Peter: I remember. NC (Voiceover): And thus, we begin the reconstruction of Peter Pan's memory, which must be missing a few gaps, because there are a bajillion plot holes in this next few minutes. In fact, let's count them down. Peter: What happened here? Tinkerbell: Hook. Peter: Hook? Tinkerbell: Burnt it when you didn't come back. NC (Voiceover): Well, then why did you build the new hideout on top of the old hideout? Plot hole counter appears and shows "1" NC (Voiceover): In fact, why the hell doesn't Hook just burn that? Plot hole counter appears and shows "2" Peter: I remember my mother. I remember her. Peter's mother (flashback of Peter): After graduation, he will prepare for a judgeship in the highest court. Peter: I was afraid because I didn't want to grow up, because everybody who grows up has to die someday. So I ran away. NC (Voiceover): Uh, you strolled away, as you can't really run yet. I guess he used his psychic powers. Plot hole counter appears and shows "3" NC (Voiceover): And plus, you're a frickin' baby! You have no concept of age or death, or even the color orange! How can he comprehend all this? Plot hole counter appears and shows "4". Tinkerbell in Peter's flashback finds the baby Peter. Peter: You brought me to Neverland. You taught me to fly. A boy Peter is seen peeking inside the window for his mother. NC (Voiceover): Okay. So if you went to Neverland to never grow up, then WHY is he constantly growing up?! He was a baby, then he was a boy, and now he is a freaking teenager? I'd sue Neverland for fucking false advertising! Plot hole counter appears and shows "5" NC: There. That's five major plot holes in the past five minutes. FIVE major plot holes! What the hell happened? You were doing pretty good up until then! What, did the writers of Lost come in to explain everything? Peter: I expected my shadow and I would join together like drops of water. Young Peter tries to stick his shadow to him but fails and starts to cry. Young Wendy: (In Peter's flashback) Boy, why are you crying? NC: Young Peter Because you're Gwyneth Paltrow, and you're gonna grow up to win an Oscar. I'm gonna grow up and get a supporting role on Sisters! Peter: I came back many times for Wendy, always in the spring. Young Wendy: (In Peter's flashback): Peter! Peter: And then I came back, the last time... Old Wendy: (In Peter's flashback) Peter, I can't come with you. I've forgotten how to fly. I am old, Peter. NC (Voiceover): Whoa! Crypt Keeper! Young Peter (In Peter's flashback): No, no, no... Old Wendy (In Peter's flashback): That's my grandchild, Moira, asleep in the bed. NC (Voiceover): Peter's tights suddenly become a lot tighter, as he decides he wants to stay with Moira, because...she looks hot. I don't know...I've heard of dumber reasons. But then he remembers his happy thought. Peter: I know why I came back, I know why I grew up. I wanted to be a father. NC (Voiceover): That's right. To have children of his own to neglect and forget about. This, of course, gets him flying, and...sewing some new tights together, as he rediscovers his childhood and shows off to the Lost Boys. This doesn't please Rufio, though, as he get out his golden sword. Finally, this is the giant epic battle we've all been waiting for...okay? Rufio falls to his knees in front of Peter. Rufio: You are the Pan. NC (Voiceover): But it turns out Peter might have gotten too much of his memory back. Peter: Are you sick? You need a bandaid, or a thermometer! Thermometer make it all better! Tinkerbell: Oh, no, Peter! It's not about that. Peter puts his finger onto his mouth while saying the sentence below and thus makes a disgusting sound. Peter: Nibs put the thermometer in her mouth, felt all better! NC: Uh, can we get the jerky, neglectful Peter back? Tinkerbell: You remember your great next adventure to save your kids, Peter? Peter: Peter Pan's got kids? Tinkerbell: Why are you in Neverland? Peter: That's easy! To always be a little boy and have fun. I like this game. Ask me another one. NC: Okay. Can you form a sentence out of these words? UP THE FUCK SHUT! NC (Voiceover): But Tinkerbell, out of nowhere, suddenly changes size, and...dresses...because, well, here, she explains it. Tinkerbell: This is the only wish I ever wished for myself. NC (Voiceover): That's it. Good explanation, huh? Tinkerbell kisses Peter Pan. NC (mimicking Peter): I think you're making me go through puberty again, ho-ho! Peter: Moira! I love Moira, and Jack and Maggie. I have a plan. Tink! C'mon, you got to come! NC: She was about to, until you, uh.. oh, oh, that! Yeah. Tinkerbell: You silly ass, go! Tinkerbell goes back to her normal size. NC (Voiceover): So...that was awkward...as we get ready for our final battle, in which Peter carves a hole in their sail that, honestly, I don't think Edward Scissorhands could have cut as well on the fly. Hook: It's Peter Pan! NC: (Mimicking Hook) I recognize him from his peanut butter. Hook: Time does fly! NC (Voiceover): So Jack actually doesn't recognize him...I guess he got those hypnotic glasses on loan from Clark Kent...as they have themselves a merry little battle. Pirates are surrounding Peter and approaches him one by one, not altogether, which enables Peter to fight easily. A green arrow appears on the pirates who are just standing. NC (Voiceover): Uh, feel free to join in, guys. A super-hyper-adult-child with a sword is not easy to battle one-on-one. Hook (To Jack): It's a pirates' life, my lad! Peter: Jack, Jack! NC: No, no. I think you mean...'' same music and camera work used in the "My Jack" scene is done again as NC looks in the camera and mimics Peter My Jack. '''NC' (voiceover): But luckily, the Goonies of the Caribbean show up to give Peter his much needed help. That's right. They fight off the EVIL pirates and their sharp swords with.. eggs, paints and whatever other Easter decorations they can find. Peter flies off to rescue Maggie, who's being held hostage in a tower. Peter: Maggie! Maggie: Dad! A pirate confronts Peter. Pirate: Wait, ain't you...? Peter: Peter Pan. The pirate screams as he jumps out of the window. NC: Hey, if Robin Williams came up to me and said he was Peter Pan, I'd jump, too. NC (Voiceover): So he rescues Maggie as we see Hook and Rufio are duking it out. Hook pierces Rufio's chest. Rufio falls down. Peter screams "No!" as we see Peter's clothes are suddenly blown by wind beneath him. NC (Voiceover): Jeez. Sort of a literally overblown fan there, don't you think? The same scene is played again, but this time, with the sound of a giant fan blowing. Rufio '''(To Peter): Do you know what I wish? '''Peter: What? Rufio: I wish I had a dad...like you. NC (mimicking Rufio): That and not getting stabbed would have been nice. NC (Voiceover): So just when Peter finally has the chance to kill the bastard, he stupidly doesn't. Hook: I swear to you, wherever you go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be daggers bearing notes signed James Hook. They will be flung at the doors of your children's children's children! NC (Mimicking Hook): You've seen Hollywood make sequels out of worst scenarios! This must end today! NC (Voiceover): So Peter gets out his magic sword... Peter's sword makes sparkles and noises every time when it collides with Hook's. NC (Voiceover): ...on loan from the firework factory...as they prepare to duke it out. Hook: Prepare to die, Peter. Peter: To die would be a great adventure. Hook: Death is the only adventure you have left. NC (Mimicking Hook): I've seen your future in movies. There was little promise. NC (Voiceover): So they have their swordfight back and forth, back and forth, until Peter is cornered and unable to get up. Child #1: I believe in you. Child #2: I believe in you. Child #3: I believe in you, Peter. Maggie: I believe in you. Tinkerbell: I believe in you. A picture of Jesus appears. Jesus: I believe in you, Peter. And I am Jesus. Peter throws Hook to the ground. NC (Voiceover): So Peter finally beats him. Now does he kill Hook? No, he just gives him back his sword. I'm sure Hook will be very gracious...oh, yeah, he's the fucking villain. Hook uses his hook to cut Peter's arm. Jack: Bad form! Peter: Now we end this. NC (Voiceover): So Peter and Hook fight some more, he de-wigs the guy, and he finally beats him down. So, NOW does he kill Hook? Maggie: Daddy, let's go home. Please? NC sighs angrily. Hook: After all, what would the world be like without...Captain Hook? NC: Probably like a world without bean chairs. Some would notice, but not a huge loss. NC (Voiceover): So after not killing him for a THIRD TIME, our family finally decides to go home, happily ever aft- picks up a knife and corners Peter Psyche, Heil Hitler! Hook: Fools! James Hook is Neverland! NC (Voiceover): Boy, you think for a pirate, he'd be a little more honest! Tink suddenly appears and prevents Peter from being stabbed by Hook's hook. NC (Voiceover): Okay, what the hell is Tink made out of? Is she made out of steel? Is she the blipping Tinkenator? This whole movie could be over in, like, five minutes. Tinkerbell breaks into the ship, fights off all the pirates and flies the kids back home! They should've called this movie fucking Tinkerbell. She's the real hero! A giant clock with a stuffed crocodile on the top leans toward Hook and the open mouth of the stuffed crocodile swallows Hook. NC: (Wiping out fake tears) My mother went the same way... NC (Voiceover): So Hook is defeated, Peter flies his kids back home, and he leaves the not Good Burger Kid in charge. Kid #1: That was a great game. NC: (Mimicking the Kid #1) You are a bad actor. Jack and Maggie flies into the house and find their mother who is asleep. Jack: I know her. Maggie: She looks like an angel. NC (Voiceover): Yuck. I don't know, that line seems to stink of Lucas. A scene from Star Wars Episode I is shown. Anakin (To Padme): Are you an angel? NC (Voiceover): So the mother is reunited with her children, as, I guess Peter got drunk on his way back to the house. A man that looks suspiciously like Smee sees Peter lying on the ground. Janitor: Hello! NC: I'm here to blow the lines of reality! NC (Voiceover): So Peter says goodbye to Tinkerbell and...Janitor Smee...yeah. How does that makes sense?...as he becomes the insufferable child at heart that his family always wanted him to be. Peter: I think these belong to you. Peter hands the bag full of marbles that he was given by the Chubby Kid to Toodles. Toodles: Look! I didn't lose my marbles after all! Wendy, look! See? I didn't lose my marbles after all! NC (Mimicking Toodles): We got to use this joke one more time! We got to use this joke one more time! Toodles: And one for me! Toodles, who found his marbles, flies up into the air. We cut to the scene of Mr. Dawes floating up into the air, laughing, from Mary Poppins. Toodles flies out of the window. Toodles: Seize the day! Everyone watches as Toodles flies to Neverland. NC puts a joke of an airplane crashing into Toodles. NC: And that's Hook. You can probably see why people either love it or hate it. But despite its nostalgic value, does it still hold up? from the movie play as NC gives his final thought NC (Voiceover): Well, the third act is where it gets a little too cheesy. The cliches are overwhelming, the plot holes are just unbelievable, and a lot of the child actors don't do a very good job. But still, I think the first two thirds of the movie are pretty solid. I like how seriously it takes itself, but never too much that they can't get in some really good character-based jokes. The atmosphere is heavy, the effects are actually pretty damn good for the time, and when the writing wants to be funny, it can be really damn funny. I didn't even show you half of the really hilarious scenes that are in this movie. So for me, it still holds up, despite its corniness and over-the-top whimsical moments. I will say it could have been a great family film if it was a little more edgy, but as is, it's not bad. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out and decide for yourself. NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I don't believe in fairies. A fairy from Sleeping Beauty screams and falls dead. NC seems a little bit surprised but he shrugs and walks out of the screen. Note: CHANNEL AWESOME TAG Peter: My Jack. Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts